blue light

I spent half the day getting Johnny ready for the rumble. Telling him who to watch out for, what to expect, what to wear, how to prepare. Johnny isn't to fond of fighting, but I figured being that he's 17 now, it was time my kid brother holds his own. I can't always be there, and I cant fight the younger kids for him due to the fact that I'll be thrown in jail. I'm always real worried about Johnny, its not a secret that he aint a big kid, and he's not real interested in using his hands. I knelt down and met Johnny's eyes, I grabbed his face and tilted his head toward mine. " Listen to me, alright? time to spread those wings kiddo, I'm not having this shit anymore man. I need you to show them socs tonight...that your not afraid. Fear is something you create in that scruffy little head of yours. Fear is an emotion that can only bring you down." I said all serious. He nodded at me still holding eye contact. "I'm proud of you, kid." I said with a smirk. I can't help but smile at him. He grew up right before my eyes. "Aright. Lets go kick some ass."

Unlike its general uninhabited state, the vacant lot wasn't so vacant tonight. Johnny was counting mustangs with his jaw virtually unattached from his face, and I was lacing up my boots. He was unmistakably a nervous wreck, biting his nails down to nothing. I patted him on the back, hoping that would offer some kind of reassurance. Hand shakes and pep talks were given, then we all made our way to the battle field with nothing but cigarettes and fear left behind us.

and damn, did those boys look like they were dressed up for morning mass. "How's mamma ganna get their blood stains out their funeral pants?" I whispered to Owen. "Better question, how is mamma ganna fix their busted teeth?" I laughed and we continued on like that for a bit. Things looked like they were starting to get assembled. I checked for Johnny, still chewin' on those nails like some good food. I was so worried about Johnny that I almost forgot about Audrey. So much worrying to do. "fight me, greaser" I said in a deep voice as I grabbed her from behind. Once again she punched me in the arm. "That's not even funny" she said, as she laughed. I rubbed my arm. "Damn girl, I don't even have to worry about you." I said, smiling at her. God, that girl is somethin. But ever since that night with Jelly I can't bring myself to look in those Sinatra eyes. Not even a glance. She deserves everything she wants in this world and she chose me, but Sometimes I wish she hadn't. I'm not always a good man, that's for damn sure, but I am an honest one, that's for sure to. "I need to talk to you, after all this. Alright?" I said, finally working up some confidence to look into those electric eyes. Worry washed over her face. "Why? Whats going on?" She spoke quietly in an austere manner. I pushed the hair out of my face and turned my head. I didn't want her seeing that equivocal look on my face. I shook it off and turned my head back to her. "Tomorrow." I said, I kissed her on the forehead. "Be safe. Call my name If you need assistance." I walked away and stood in my place next to Johnny. It seemed nearly out of the blue when an argument broke out. This meant one of two things. Bob Sheldon will get his nose broke or Bob Sheldon will get his nose broke. And the verdict is, Dallas Winston successfully re-configures Sheldon's nose. Shocker, huh? So I nodded at Johnny, he nodded back, and it began.

I found the most massive guy accessible because frankly, I like a challenge. I don't give a shit if its weird, being chipped in the face can be very invigorating. This guy wasn't only a full fledged giant, His hands were analogous to bowling balls. All I could think of is how this guy could have probably stepped on me with his big toe and implanted me into the ground. That's when the right bowling ball hit me in the temple and it knocked me off my balance a bit. I didn't have time to wait for bowling ball number two, so I hit him where it hurts. no, not in his crotch, The jaw. we continued to beat the shit out of each other relentlessly until he sort of crawled away pathetically. "Hunt" someone muttered to the right of me and that's all I needed to hear. I threw two guys off of Johnny and then all I saw was red and my hands moved without thought. Dal ran over and we went crazy on the kids. I picked up Johnny and leaned him against a tree. "Hey buddy look at me, stay with me." His eyes were rolling around like they weren't connected to anything. "Did I do good?.." he managed, barely conscious. His face was a mess. blood was apparent in multiple areas of his face. I stared at him sternly. "Yeah little man, you were great." I tried to hide my guilt. I shouldn't have brought him here. He should have stayed home, out of trouble. But I don't listen to the kid. No matter how much he tells me he hates fighting I just keep pushing it. I'm just like my damn father. We sat like that for a while, up against that tree, watching the fight, just observing. Is this what Johnny sees me as?..

Before we knew it the Rumble was over, and we had won. It was a beautiful thing, watching everyone's pride radiate from them. Everyone came and checked on Johnny, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, I didn't want him to feel bad about himself. I helped him to my car, and drove him home. I brought him to his room and got him ice packs, bandages and stitches. After He was all patched up, We left to go to Owens party, mainly because I had something to take care of. When I got there the initial question was where's Audrey, but she wasn't at Owens. So the next question was where's Soda, and I was appointed to the back yard. "Hey man, can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked as I pulled him to the side a bit. "Yea sure, what sup?" I swallowed down my guilt and blurted out the truth. "The other night, I was really..really, fucked up. and so was jelly. And we slept together. I fucked up bad but it didn't mean anything...I'm sorry.." I rambled as sincerely as I possibly could. And I saw that man break right in front of my face. Tears filled his eyes and he crossed his arms and looked down. I covered my eyes with my hand and sighed, I couldn't even look at him like this. But it had to be done. That's when Steve blurted "That's okay Hunt, Soda and Dawn are fuck buddies." The remorse was literally smacked off my face, as Soda stared at me bug eyed. I looked at him like he was insane for touching my sister in any form of intimate way. but I breathed in, and then out, barely grasping composure. I slept with his girlfriend. I don't have much of a right to hit him, no matter if I want to or not. I clenched my jaw and looked away. "Were even" I said and went to Audrey's.

I snuck in through her window and saw she was asleep. I didn't crawl into bed with her, I didn't kiss her, I just woke her. "Audrey." I said, loud enough I guess for her to wake up. She turned over and smiled at me. I kept my face straight. She got up and put her arms around me and tried to kiss me. I removed her arms and turned my face away from hers. "we got to talk, remember?" I asked, as I motioned for her to sit down. "I thought we were talking tomorrow?" She asked with concern. "Its 1 o clock, it is tomorrow." I said. "Your freaking me out.." She said, looking like she was preparing for a serious talk. I sighed and met her eyes. "The other night I got really messed up and made a mistake, with someone else who was also fucked up and made a mistake. I know, Its not a rational excuse and believe me i'm not trying to make any. I slept with Jelly, and I needed to tell you. I'm so sorry, little bird." I felt like I didn't say enough, her face had disgust written all over it. "Don't call me that.." She whispered, shaking her head with tears in her eyes. "Audrey.." I muttered weakly, I tried to touch her, in anyway, I didn't care how or where, But I could just feel myself loosing her. "Fuck you, I trusted you! I don't know why the fuck I did but I did and you turned your back on me and did this?! I don't fucking believe you.." She screamed through tears. she continued to yell and push me. Audrey doesn't even curse. I needed to get out of there.. I couldn't take seeing her like this and I knew I wasn't going to help the situation by staying. There was a knock at the door. "Audrey?! what's wrong?" Two-bit shouted from outside the door. She calmed down a little bit and started breathing a bit more steadily. "Go." She said, worn out and exhausted. I stared at her for a minute, "I didn't deserve it. None of it. I'm sorry..", and that was that.

I was popping pills as I walked in the general direction toward home, not giving a fuck where I landed up. I suddenly didn't feel like walking  anymore, and decided moping on a sidewalk curb would be easier. So I sat and thought. I thought about how low I felt, how lost I felt, how fucking angry I felt. And these were all emotions I got from knowing that I lost her, I care about her more then I care about myself, so why did I make such a selfish decision? I punched the pavement multiple times until blood dripped from my knuckles. What's done is done, but one thing that isn't done, is my love for that girl, and I'm not letting it end like this.