The bathroom floor feels a lot colder when accompanied by hopelessness. And I lay there, disoriented and higher then I've ever been, surrounded by pill bottles. I watched the second hand on my watch circle around. The convulsions were where I could now draw my attention. My veins bulged out with life, the tingling like little invisible pins being stuck through my skin, this is exactly where I found my comfort, and I did not want to exist outside that place.
In addition to the buzzing in my ears, my phone rang incessantly from across the bathroom floor. Every time it stopped, it started back up. However, moving did not seem appealing. I should have left my phone in my room to cut all ties from the rest of civilization. The perpetual ringing grew louder in my head, and I couldn't take it anymore. God damn it. I halfway dragged myself over to my phone. It was Tom, probably calling about fight club. I answered it without a greeting, not so sure if my words would come out coherent. "Hunt?" I let the silence hang there. "What are you doing man I called you like 9 times, listen, I need you to get down to Bucks immediately, your late." Tom could be such a business man. "Who is it?" I mumbled quietly. "Bryon Douglas, hey you feelin' alright, kid?" I hung up the phone and dragged myself over to the toilet where I violently removed the contents of my stomach. This was pretty low for a high
. I stumbled through my house like a zombie trying to recollect where I threw my keys. I had no business driving in my current state, getting behind the wheel was a full out death wish, but i didn't care. Nothing mattered. The numbness wasn't just physical anymore, it thrived through my veins as well as my mental state. I became a hollow shell, no substance or purpose, Death was the last thing on my mind. Hollow is an insidious emotion, the pain starts out very miserable and sickening, but a couple pills and swigs of Jack Daniels later, your body and mind gets used to the suffering, just like eyes adjust to darkness, and its gone. that's when the apathetic, chilling numbness sets in and you no longer care about your well being. What pain?
Bucks basement was dark and damp, steamy with smoke and sweaty bodies, dimly lit with a single hanging bulb from the concrete ceiling. no one saw me stumble in through the back door, there was another fight going on. I lurked in the outskirts of the tightly formed circle, waiting for my turn. I saw a few of my friends, Leo, Buck, Tim, Owen, and Blair. When I heard the crowds shouts go up about 20 octaves, I knew that was my cue. I pushed through the ring of men and found my way to the center. Blood covered the floor in a dark red hue, the remnants of a battle zone. Tom came up to me with a face of concern. "Ey. You don't look to hot, kid. Hey! look at me. you on crack?" Not quite crack but.. "I'm fine man, lets do this." Tom didn't like us fighting high, it could potentially mess up the fight. A shitty fight equaled no money. I nodded reassuringly. Tom nodded in return and held a microphone to his mouth. "Bryon Douglas? Bryon Douglas?" His name echoed through Toms microphone. Bryon emerged shirtless from the thick crowd. I suddenly felt strong and aggressive. "Now you boys know the rules. No shirts or shoes, if someone taps out, back off, no rings or weapons. I want this to be a clean fight. Ready when you are, boys." Tom backed up into the crowd. Bryon wasn't by any means a twig. You could phrase it better as Hulk-like. But the numbness took over again, and the thought was taken from me. Fear was gone, nothing mattered once again. Redness took over my vision, the color of the blood stained floor underneath us. I hit the kid with brutality. I felt like a maniac. I became a cold machine. He hit me back. I laughed with vengeance. I hit him again, then again, then even harder again. And I kept going. Hunter I think hes down.
I hit him in the temple. Hunter I think hes tapped out, give it a rest! I dropped the kid like a bad habit, I added to the bloody floor. I stood over Bryon Douglas, covered in his blood. I was suddenly pulled away from him by a number of arms, I struggled to break free of them. Reality slowly sank in. I lost my child due to my girlfriends heroine addiction. She didn't have to be planned, My kid is still my kid. I could have taught her how to fish, how to count. I could have watched her grow up and bring her boyfriends over and complain about how they weren't good enough for her, then hear her tell me she hates me and slam her bedroom door shut. I could have hugged her and told her they didn't deserve her in the first place after they broke her heart. Audrey was hurting just as bad i'm sure, but I couldn't look her in the face without feeling sick. I wanted to be there for her but I needed to be there for myself first, Heart broken people can't fix other heart broken people. I turned around and punched the wall. The silent crowd looked at me like I was insane. Leo came up to me and brought me outside. "Alright. Whats gotten into you? You alright?" He said trying to look for something written on my face. "I'm fuckin' going crazy that's whats gotten into me!" I yelled like he did it. "Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, what happened?" I lit a cigarette and sat on the porch steps. I placed my bloody hands on my head. "Audrey was pregnant man. She OD'ed and she lost it." My voice cracked like a scared little boy holding back tears. Leo was silent. He sat down next to me on the porch and also lit a cigarette. He put his arm around my shoulder and we just sat there. smoking our cigarettes and not saying a word. What could he say? You can't fix something like that. "Should I call her?" I asked Leo after a few moments. He looked at me sternly. "Call her."
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
blue light
I spent half the day getting Johnny ready for the rumble. Telling him who to watch out for, what to expect, what to wear, how to prepare. Johnny isn't to fond of fighting, but I figured being that he's 17 now, it was time my kid brother holds his own. I can't always be there, and I cant fight the younger kids for him due to the fact that I'll be thrown in jail. I'm always real worried about Johnny, its not a secret that he aint a big kid, and he's not real interested in using his hands. I knelt down and met Johnny's eyes, I grabbed his face and tilted his head toward mine. " Listen to me, alright? time to spread those wings kiddo, I'm not having this shit anymore man. I need you to show them socs tonight...that your not afraid. Fear is something you create in that scruffy little head of yours. Fear is an emotion that can only bring you down." I said all serious. He nodded at me still holding eye contact. "I'm proud of you, kid." I said with a smirk. I can't help but smile at him. He grew up right before my eyes. "Aright. Lets go kick some ass."
Unlike its general uninhabited state, the vacant lot wasn't so vacant tonight. Johnny was counting mustangs with his jaw virtually unattached from his face, and I was lacing up my boots. He was unmistakably a nervous wreck, biting his nails down to nothing. I patted him on the back, hoping that would offer some kind of reassurance. Hand shakes and pep talks were given, then we all made our way to the battle field with nothing but cigarettes and fear left behind us.
and damn, did those boys look like they were dressed up for morning mass. "How's mamma ganna get their blood stains out their funeral pants?" I whispered to Owen. "Better question, how is mamma ganna fix their busted teeth?" I laughed and we continued on like that for a bit. Things looked like they were starting to get assembled. I checked for Johnny, still chewin' on those nails like some good food. I was so worried about Johnny that I almost forgot about Audrey. So much worrying to do. "fight me, greaser" I said in a deep voice as I grabbed her from behind. Once again she punched me in the arm. "That's not even funny" she said, as she laughed. I rubbed my arm. "Damn girl, I don't even have to worry about you." I said, smiling at her. God, that girl is somethin. But ever since that night with Jelly I can't bring myself to look in those Sinatra eyes. Not even a glance. She deserves everything she wants in this world and she chose me, but Sometimes I wish she hadn't. I'm not always a good man, that's for damn sure, but I am an honest one, that's for sure to. "I need to talk to you, after all this. Alright?" I said, finally working up some confidence to look into those electric eyes. Worry washed over her face. "Why? Whats going on?" She spoke quietly in an austere manner. I pushed the hair out of my face and turned my head. I didn't want her seeing that equivocal look on my face. I shook it off and turned my head back to her. "Tomorrow." I said, I kissed her on the forehead. "Be safe. Call my name If you need assistance." I walked away and stood in my place next to Johnny. It seemed nearly out of the blue when an argument broke out. This meant one of two things. Bob Sheldon will get his nose broke or Bob Sheldon will get his nose broke. And the verdict is, Dallas Winston successfully re-configures Sheldon's nose. Shocker, huh? So I nodded at Johnny, he nodded back, and it began.
I found the most massive guy accessible because frankly, I like a challenge. I don't give a shit if its weird, being chipped in the face can be very invigorating. This guy wasn't only a full fledged giant, His hands were analogous to bowling balls. All I could think of is how this guy could have probably stepped on me with his big toe and implanted me into the ground. That's when the right bowling ball hit me in the temple and it knocked me off my balance a bit. I didn't have time to wait for bowling ball number two, so I hit him where it hurts. no, not in his crotch, The jaw. we continued to beat the shit out of each other relentlessly until he sort of crawled away pathetically. "Hunt" someone muttered to the right of me and that's all I needed to hear. I threw two guys off of Johnny and then all I saw was red and my hands moved without thought. Dal ran over and we went crazy on the kids. I picked up Johnny and leaned him against a tree. "Hey buddy look at me, stay with me." His eyes were rolling around like they weren't connected to anything. "Did I do good?.." he managed, barely conscious. His face was a mess. blood was apparent in multiple areas of his face. I stared at him sternly. "Yeah little man, you were great." I tried to hide my guilt. I shouldn't have brought him here. He should have stayed home, out of trouble. But I don't listen to the kid. No matter how much he tells me he hates fighting I just keep pushing it. I'm just like my damn father. We sat like that for a while, up against that tree, watching the fight, just observing. Is this what Johnny sees me as?..
Before we knew it the Rumble was over, and we had won. It was a beautiful thing, watching everyone's pride radiate from them. Everyone came and checked on Johnny, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, I didn't want him to feel bad about himself. I helped him to my car, and drove him home. I brought him to his room and got him ice packs, bandages and stitches. After He was all patched up, We left to go to Owens party, mainly because I had something to take care of. When I got there the initial question was where's Audrey, but she wasn't at Owens. So the next question was where's Soda, and I was appointed to the back yard. "Hey man, can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked as I pulled him to the side a bit. "Yea sure, what sup?" I swallowed down my guilt and blurted out the truth. "The other night, I was really..really, fucked up. and so was jelly. And we slept together. I fucked up bad but it didn't mean anything...I'm sorry.." I rambled as sincerely as I possibly could. And I saw that man break right in front of my face. Tears filled his eyes and he crossed his arms and looked down. I covered my eyes with my hand and sighed, I couldn't even look at him like this. But it had to be done. That's when Steve blurted "That's okay Hunt, Soda and Dawn are fuck buddies." The remorse was literally smacked off my face, as Soda stared at me bug eyed. I looked at him like he was insane for touching my sister in any form of intimate way. but I breathed in, and then out, barely grasping composure. I slept with his girlfriend. I don't have much of a right to hit him, no matter if I want to or not. I clenched my jaw and looked away. "Were even" I said and went to Audrey's.
I snuck in through her window and saw she was asleep. I didn't crawl into bed with her, I didn't kiss her, I just woke her. "Audrey." I said, loud enough I guess for her to wake up. She turned over and smiled at me. I kept my face straight. She got up and put her arms around me and tried to kiss me. I removed her arms and turned my face away from hers. "we got to talk, remember?" I asked, as I motioned for her to sit down. "I thought we were talking tomorrow?" She asked with concern. "Its 1 o clock, it is tomorrow." I said. "Your freaking me out.." She said, looking like she was preparing for a serious talk. I sighed and met her eyes. "The other night I got really messed up and made a mistake, with someone else who was also fucked up and made a mistake. I know, Its not a rational excuse and believe me i'm not trying to make any. I slept with Jelly, and I needed to tell you. I'm so sorry, little bird." I felt like I didn't say enough, her face had disgust written all over it. "Don't call me that.." She whispered, shaking her head with tears in her eyes. "Audrey.." I muttered weakly, I tried to touch her, in anyway, I didn't care how or where, But I could just feel myself loosing her. "Fuck you, I trusted you! I don't know why the fuck I did but I did and you turned your back on me and did this?! I don't fucking believe you.." She screamed through tears. she continued to yell and push me. Audrey doesn't even curse. I needed to get out of there.. I couldn't take seeing her like this and I knew I wasn't going to help the situation by staying. There was a knock at the door. "Audrey?! what's wrong?" Two-bit shouted from outside the door. She calmed down a little bit and started breathing a bit more steadily. "Go." She said, worn out and exhausted. I stared at her for a minute, "I didn't deserve it. None of it. I'm sorry..", and that was that.
I was popping pills as I walked in the general direction toward home, not giving a fuck where I landed up. I suddenly didn't feel like walking anymore, and decided moping on a sidewalk curb would be easier. So I sat and thought. I thought about how low I felt, how lost I felt, how fucking angry I felt. And these were all emotions I got from knowing that I lost her, I care about her more then I care about myself, so why did I make such a selfish decision? I punched the pavement multiple times until blood dripped from my knuckles. What's done is done, but one thing that isn't done, is my love for that girl, and I'm not letting it end like this.
Unlike its general uninhabited state, the vacant lot wasn't so vacant tonight. Johnny was counting mustangs with his jaw virtually unattached from his face, and I was lacing up my boots. He was unmistakably a nervous wreck, biting his nails down to nothing. I patted him on the back, hoping that would offer some kind of reassurance. Hand shakes and pep talks were given, then we all made our way to the battle field with nothing but cigarettes and fear left behind us.
and damn, did those boys look like they were dressed up for morning mass. "How's mamma ganna get their blood stains out their funeral pants?" I whispered to Owen. "Better question, how is mamma ganna fix their busted teeth?" I laughed and we continued on like that for a bit. Things looked like they were starting to get assembled. I checked for Johnny, still chewin' on those nails like some good food. I was so worried about Johnny that I almost forgot about Audrey. So much worrying to do. "fight me, greaser" I said in a deep voice as I grabbed her from behind. Once again she punched me in the arm. "That's not even funny" she said, as she laughed. I rubbed my arm. "Damn girl, I don't even have to worry about you." I said, smiling at her. God, that girl is somethin. But ever since that night with Jelly I can't bring myself to look in those Sinatra eyes. Not even a glance. She deserves everything she wants in this world and she chose me, but Sometimes I wish she hadn't. I'm not always a good man, that's for damn sure, but I am an honest one, that's for sure to. "I need to talk to you, after all this. Alright?" I said, finally working up some confidence to look into those electric eyes. Worry washed over her face. "Why? Whats going on?" She spoke quietly in an austere manner. I pushed the hair out of my face and turned my head. I didn't want her seeing that equivocal look on my face. I shook it off and turned my head back to her. "Tomorrow." I said, I kissed her on the forehead. "Be safe. Call my name If you need assistance." I walked away and stood in my place next to Johnny. It seemed nearly out of the blue when an argument broke out. This meant one of two things. Bob Sheldon will get his nose broke or Bob Sheldon will get his nose broke. And the verdict is, Dallas Winston successfully re-configures Sheldon's nose. Shocker, huh? So I nodded at Johnny, he nodded back, and it began.
I found the most massive guy accessible because frankly, I like a challenge. I don't give a shit if its weird, being chipped in the face can be very invigorating. This guy wasn't only a full fledged giant, His hands were analogous to bowling balls. All I could think of is how this guy could have probably stepped on me with his big toe and implanted me into the ground. That's when the right bowling ball hit me in the temple and it knocked me off my balance a bit. I didn't have time to wait for bowling ball number two, so I hit him where it hurts. no, not in his crotch, The jaw. we continued to beat the shit out of each other relentlessly until he sort of crawled away pathetically. "Hunt" someone muttered to the right of me and that's all I needed to hear. I threw two guys off of Johnny and then all I saw was red and my hands moved without thought. Dal ran over and we went crazy on the kids. I picked up Johnny and leaned him against a tree. "Hey buddy look at me, stay with me." His eyes were rolling around like they weren't connected to anything. "Did I do good?.." he managed, barely conscious. His face was a mess. blood was apparent in multiple areas of his face. I stared at him sternly. "Yeah little man, you were great." I tried to hide my guilt. I shouldn't have brought him here. He should have stayed home, out of trouble. But I don't listen to the kid. No matter how much he tells me he hates fighting I just keep pushing it. I'm just like my damn father. We sat like that for a while, up against that tree, watching the fight, just observing. Is this what Johnny sees me as?..
Before we knew it the Rumble was over, and we had won. It was a beautiful thing, watching everyone's pride radiate from them. Everyone came and checked on Johnny, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, I didn't want him to feel bad about himself. I helped him to my car, and drove him home. I brought him to his room and got him ice packs, bandages and stitches. After He was all patched up, We left to go to Owens party, mainly because I had something to take care of. When I got there the initial question was where's Audrey, but she wasn't at Owens. So the next question was where's Soda, and I was appointed to the back yard. "Hey man, can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked as I pulled him to the side a bit. "Yea sure, what sup?" I swallowed down my guilt and blurted out the truth. "The other night, I was really..really, fucked up. and so was jelly. And we slept together. I fucked up bad but it didn't mean anything...I'm sorry.." I rambled as sincerely as I possibly could. And I saw that man break right in front of my face. Tears filled his eyes and he crossed his arms and looked down. I covered my eyes with my hand and sighed, I couldn't even look at him like this. But it had to be done. That's when Steve blurted "That's okay Hunt, Soda and Dawn are fuck buddies." The remorse was literally smacked off my face, as Soda stared at me bug eyed. I looked at him like he was insane for touching my sister in any form of intimate way. but I breathed in, and then out, barely grasping composure. I slept with his girlfriend. I don't have much of a right to hit him, no matter if I want to or not. I clenched my jaw and looked away. "Were even" I said and went to Audrey's.
I snuck in through her window and saw she was asleep. I didn't crawl into bed with her, I didn't kiss her, I just woke her. "Audrey." I said, loud enough I guess for her to wake up. She turned over and smiled at me. I kept my face straight. She got up and put her arms around me and tried to kiss me. I removed her arms and turned my face away from hers. "we got to talk, remember?" I asked, as I motioned for her to sit down. "I thought we were talking tomorrow?" She asked with concern. "Its 1 o clock, it is tomorrow." I said. "Your freaking me out.." She said, looking like she was preparing for a serious talk. I sighed and met her eyes. "The other night I got really messed up and made a mistake, with someone else who was also fucked up and made a mistake. I know, Its not a rational excuse and believe me i'm not trying to make any. I slept with Jelly, and I needed to tell you. I'm so sorry, little bird." I felt like I didn't say enough, her face had disgust written all over it. "Don't call me that.." She whispered, shaking her head with tears in her eyes. "Audrey.." I muttered weakly, I tried to touch her, in anyway, I didn't care how or where, But I could just feel myself loosing her. "Fuck you, I trusted you! I don't know why the fuck I did but I did and you turned your back on me and did this?! I don't fucking believe you.." She screamed through tears. she continued to yell and push me. Audrey doesn't even curse. I needed to get out of there.. I couldn't take seeing her like this and I knew I wasn't going to help the situation by staying. There was a knock at the door. "Audrey?! what's wrong?" Two-bit shouted from outside the door. She calmed down a little bit and started breathing a bit more steadily. "Go." She said, worn out and exhausted. I stared at her for a minute, "I didn't deserve it. None of it. I'm sorry..", and that was that.
I was popping pills as I walked in the general direction toward home, not giving a fuck where I landed up. I suddenly didn't feel like walking anymore, and decided moping on a sidewalk curb would be easier. So I sat and thought. I thought about how low I felt, how lost I felt, how fucking angry I felt. And these were all emotions I got from knowing that I lost her, I care about her more then I care about myself, so why did I make such a selfish decision? I punched the pavement multiple times until blood dripped from my knuckles. What's done is done, but one thing that isn't done, is my love for that girl, and I'm not letting it end like this.
Monday, April 15, 2013
The fighter
Even when people change so gradually, Its still hard to grasp that my parents are now essentially strangers to
me.Well my Dad has always been an asshole, with booze or without. but my mother on the other hand had a beautiful soul. She was free spirited and gracious with love for her children. She even used to sing in the shower and put daffodils on the window sill above the kitchen sink. I don't remember the last time i heard her sing, but I do remember it was beautiful and delicate, and it echoed throughout our home early every Sunday morning as she made breakfast, and the adolescent sun beamed brilliantly on her pale white skin through the window. But now I avoid mornings like the plague, because I no longer have daffodils or soft songs or even a mother. These things were drastically replaced by early morning bottle facing, screaming, and a broken, hollow woman. I don't blame anyone but my sorry excuse for a father. He is not a man, he is a monster, and had no right to beat the beauty out of a woman.
I hate being the protector of my house. I hate having to fight my father for his drunken beatings on my family members. But its become a job that I cant quit, because if I don't do something I'd feel even shitier. And hes not an easy fight by any means, my dad was a boxer and he can be classified as a professional ass kicker. It wasn't long until my dad forced me into boxing. He would explain to me at the age of 10, the same time he made me stop drawing ( something I genuinely loved), that I cant be a pussy in this world or people will walk all over me. So we would train, and he would hit me if I didn't keep my hands up in front of my face. "get off the fuckin ground!" He would say, "you going to let someone push you around like that?! Everyone is your enemy, kid. If anyone steps up to you, show them whose boss." I would sneak colored pencils from school and draw on the back of my homework worksheets. My mom insisted to my father that I had a passion and its good when children develop a passion at a young age, but my dad wouldn't hear it. Of course he was convinced that this must have meant that I was going to be gay, and my father refused to raise someone who was gay, and of course, boxers can not physically be gay, because boxers are tough and beat people up. These are the things that were drilled into my head for years until I realized that my father was nothing but a miserable, intoxicated, raging asshole. I boxed for 9 years. He taught me how to defend myself against the only long term enemy iv'e had, enemy number one, him, and i learned from the best.
With all these angry thoughts swirling around my brain as they always did when i accidentally wake up before 8 o clock, I decided my arm was healed enough to go look for enemy number 2, Caleb Brumley. I made a couple phone calls, looked around town, but this kid was virtually AWOL. A little later I did, however, come across one of his brothers at the drive-in. He was leaned up against a fence, a cigarette in one hand a mountain dew bottle in the other,surrounded by a couple of other kids I knew. I walked up to him and grabbed him by his shirt collar, pushing him hard against the fence. "Where is he?" I asked with cold eyes. "I dunno what your talkin about man.." he slurred. I could smell the alcohol on his breath, quickly confirming his mountain dew bottle did not in fact have mountain dew in it. I slammed him against the fence. "I'm not messin around with you kid, where the fuck is your bitch of a brother who had the nerve to pull a gun on me!" I screamed. I turned my head to the right and saw Caleb walking out of the snack bar. I let go of his brothers shirt and walked over to him. "Heard you were lookin for me. Hows your arm Cade?" he asked sarcastically with a smirk. "Hows your jaw?" I asked patiently. "What?" He said confused. That's when I hooked him in the jaw, knowing I would break it because my right hook was good for that, and my instructor taught me exactly how to break a jaw when I was 16. He was knocked out cold and his friends ran over to him. "Hey, tell him to be expecting that at least 3 more times, this one was for having sex with my sister, and the next 3 will be for shooting me." I said as i passed them. I got in my car and took off.
On the way home I stopped at the florist. I walked in my house full of screaming miserable drunk people and went into the kitchen where the screaming was coming from. Instead of stopping it as I usually did I took a different approach, I grabbed the old, dusty vase from underneath the sink, put it on the window sill, and placed a single daffodil in it like my mother always had before she was hollow. My dad continued to scream at my mother without as much as a glance, but my mother stopped and went silent, staring with her wide bloodshot eyes, going back and forth from me to the vase. I saw a microscopic smirk crawl across her face as he screamed at her, telling her to listen to him. I left the house and got in my car, i saw my mom staring out the window at me with that same rare smirk she wore while I was inside. I smiled back, and drove to Bucks for a beer.
me.Well my Dad has always been an asshole, with booze or without. but my mother on the other hand had a beautiful soul. She was free spirited and gracious with love for her children. She even used to sing in the shower and put daffodils on the window sill above the kitchen sink. I don't remember the last time i heard her sing, but I do remember it was beautiful and delicate, and it echoed throughout our home early every Sunday morning as she made breakfast, and the adolescent sun beamed brilliantly on her pale white skin through the window. But now I avoid mornings like the plague, because I no longer have daffodils or soft songs or even a mother. These things were drastically replaced by early morning bottle facing, screaming, and a broken, hollow woman. I don't blame anyone but my sorry excuse for a father. He is not a man, he is a monster, and had no right to beat the beauty out of a woman.
I hate being the protector of my house. I hate having to fight my father for his drunken beatings on my family members. But its become a job that I cant quit, because if I don't do something I'd feel even shitier. And hes not an easy fight by any means, my dad was a boxer and he can be classified as a professional ass kicker. It wasn't long until my dad forced me into boxing. He would explain to me at the age of 10, the same time he made me stop drawing ( something I genuinely loved), that I cant be a pussy in this world or people will walk all over me. So we would train, and he would hit me if I didn't keep my hands up in front of my face. "get off the fuckin ground!" He would say, "you going to let someone push you around like that?! Everyone is your enemy, kid. If anyone steps up to you, show them whose boss." I would sneak colored pencils from school and draw on the back of my homework worksheets. My mom insisted to my father that I had a passion and its good when children develop a passion at a young age, but my dad wouldn't hear it. Of course he was convinced that this must have meant that I was going to be gay, and my father refused to raise someone who was gay, and of course, boxers can not physically be gay, because boxers are tough and beat people up. These are the things that were drilled into my head for years until I realized that my father was nothing but a miserable, intoxicated, raging asshole. I boxed for 9 years. He taught me how to defend myself against the only long term enemy iv'e had, enemy number one, him, and i learned from the best.
With all these angry thoughts swirling around my brain as they always did when i accidentally wake up before 8 o clock, I decided my arm was healed enough to go look for enemy number 2, Caleb Brumley. I made a couple phone calls, looked around town, but this kid was virtually AWOL. A little later I did, however, come across one of his brothers at the drive-in. He was leaned up against a fence, a cigarette in one hand a mountain dew bottle in the other,surrounded by a couple of other kids I knew. I walked up to him and grabbed him by his shirt collar, pushing him hard against the fence. "Where is he?" I asked with cold eyes. "I dunno what your talkin about man.." he slurred. I could smell the alcohol on his breath, quickly confirming his mountain dew bottle did not in fact have mountain dew in it. I slammed him against the fence. "I'm not messin around with you kid, where the fuck is your bitch of a brother who had the nerve to pull a gun on me!" I screamed. I turned my head to the right and saw Caleb walking out of the snack bar. I let go of his brothers shirt and walked over to him. "Heard you were lookin for me. Hows your arm Cade?" he asked sarcastically with a smirk. "Hows your jaw?" I asked patiently. "What?" He said confused. That's when I hooked him in the jaw, knowing I would break it because my right hook was good for that, and my instructor taught me exactly how to break a jaw when I was 16. He was knocked out cold and his friends ran over to him. "Hey, tell him to be expecting that at least 3 more times, this one was for having sex with my sister, and the next 3 will be for shooting me." I said as i passed them. I got in my car and took off.
On the way home I stopped at the florist. I walked in my house full of screaming miserable drunk people and went into the kitchen where the screaming was coming from. Instead of stopping it as I usually did I took a different approach, I grabbed the old, dusty vase from underneath the sink, put it on the window sill, and placed a single daffodil in it like my mother always had before she was hollow. My dad continued to scream at my mother without as much as a glance, but my mother stopped and went silent, staring with her wide bloodshot eyes, going back and forth from me to the vase. I saw a microscopic smirk crawl across her face as he screamed at her, telling her to listen to him. I left the house and got in my car, i saw my mom staring out the window at me with that same rare smirk she wore while I was inside. I smiled back, and drove to Bucks for a beer.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Still kickin'
As i came back to reality, I was overcome with a high pitched ringing noise and sight was something hard for me to grasp. As the fuzzy figures began to take their shape,The ringing noise began to dissipate with a cacophonous of muffled whispers taking its place.I had a mask on my face and i could hear my breathing, which resembled an astronaut. I made a move to remove the mask away from my mouth and a shock wave of affliction shot down the left side of my shoulder and through out my arm. I looked to my left and my shoulder and arm were rapped in bandages. Jelly's father walked in, clip board in hand, and delicately requested that everyone left. I was still confused about how exactly i ended up in the ICU. But i knew i should have been pissed about it. Dr. Winston came over to me and removed the astronaut mask from my face. He went and sat in his rolly chair opposite of the hospital bed. "Now, how are you feeling Hunter?" Dr. Winston asked with a warm smile. "I've had peachier days." I said with a crooked smirk. "You pulled through nicely. Not effortlessly, but successfully none the less. You do recall why your here correct? You were under some serious anesthetics." I searched through my mind for answers. I reviewed the basic and obvious information. I am currently in intensive care. My left arm and shoulder are severely injured. I really need a cigarette. I guess Dr.Winston came to the conclusion that i wasn't coming to any form of conclusion. "You were shot twice in the shoulder and the chest area. Owen brought you here early this morning around 6 o' clock. Miraculously, the bullets managed to dodge any fatal areas and you should be good as new with some physical therapy and a prescription for oxycodone." I literally was considering laughing out loud. I swear, God himself wants me to keep up with my drug addiction. "Sounds good." I dead panned. "Fantastic. I'll be in to check on you in a few hours." He said with that doctor smile all doctors carry around on their faces. All I wanted was answers. I had a lot of enemies, but I was doubtful that any of them have enough hatred to want to kill me for having sex with their girlfriends or stealing their parking spot at school. Dawn and Owen walked in. "What sup superman. eating bullets like its nothing. I swear, me and you take turns checking into this place." Owen said as he sat down in Dr. Winston's rolly chair with his feet propped up on the small desk. "You look rough." Dawn said as she messed up my hair. "On the contrary, I feel like a million bucks." I said as i winced from adjusting my body. "Alright, so who was the little bastard who put me in this god awful place." "Caleb Brumley. He claims he wouldn't have pulled the trigger if he knew it was you. He said he felt threatened, like someone was gonna rob him or something. I got there just in time to chip him in the mouth and call the ambulance." Owen said proudly. "That kid is going to hate life once i have a functioning left arm again, I've been looking for an excuse to kick his ass for years now. He shot me, He successfully won himself a well deserved busted jaw twice a week for the rest of his life." I said with anger clearly evident in my voice. "Slow your roll kid, all you got to worry about is making it to California with us, Jaw breaking will commence shortly after. Then you can come home and have ass kicking fun until your heart gives out." I suppose this made sense. I needed time to heal anyway. Might as well wait until i'm in the best shape when I break his face. It was silent for a minute or so. "I'm sorry." Dawn said sincerely. "Dawn don't be ridiculous." She was silent after that, probably agreeing that the majority of the blame was on me and my impulsiveness. The rest of the day continued normally. More people continued to come in and out of my room with flowers or some kind of candy, my hot nurse came in multiple times and brought me food and fluffed my pillow, my parents came in and said they weren't surprised that I got myself in such a mess, I said "I fuckin hate you people" then they left, and Dr. Winston came in and gave me meds. It was late and I was falling asleep to soccer on the hospital television, a sport that always bored me. "Sorry, I know its late." Said a voice to my left . I turned my head to see Audrey standing in the doorway. "Don't act like you didn't come late on purpose so you could have your way with me for getting myself in such trouble." I said with a half smile. " She smiled back and shook her head. "Half dead and your still trying. I appreciate your lascivious efforts, I guess." She moved in the dark from the light of the doorway to the end of my bed. "How are you?" She asked with concern. "chipper. It only hurts when I move, or breathe." I said. She reached up and flicked my arm. I winced, "ouch! what the fuck was that for?" I said as i held my arm. "Don't scare me like that ever again. I mean it." she said aggressively. I smirked at her. "come here brat." I said as i pulled her up toward me with my good arm. and then we both fell asleep watching boring soccer.
Yours truly,
Hunter Cade
Sunday, March 10, 2013
time to feed the monster
Oxycodone is an analgesic medication synthesized from poppy-derived thebaine that can be highly addictive. in other words, its the monster controlling my life.
Roxys can give you the most euphoric and elated high of your life. But with substance abuse, a tolerance will inevitably develop. So what happens when you cant get high anymore? Then your just an addict without the high. That day hasnt come yet, and i hope it never does. Thats when you hit rock bottom, the lowest you can be.
The morning starts with a pill and i end my day having consumed a couple more. Despite my endevours to stay high, this shit isnt something i like broadcasting throughout Tulsa. Dawn found them in my drawer once while she was rumidging through my stuff to find my jack daniels. She lost it, and flushed them down the toilet. we fought for hours that night. After a few holes punched into the wall and the screaming and arguing died down, Dawn began to cry, a rarity for her, and her glossy desperate eyes looked into mine. "Your ganna turn out like him." she whispered. and i instantly felt a stabbing feeling in my stomach. maybe it was my body trying to give me a wake up call. or maybe i just needed another pill. who knows, I dont know what my body wants anymore.But then the stabbing turned into a vicious nausia, i got up and went straight for the bathroom. Another, not so euphoric effect from roxys is the nausia. Its brutal. and i find myself in the bathroom puking my brains out these days more then i'd like to be. After my body finally finished disposing of everything i ate that day, i leaned against the wall in the bathroom and leaned my forehead against my hand.
Travis was my best friend through our child hood and up until he died. After a violent fight he got into with a couple of guys, he was stabbed in the back multiple times. Miraculously, Travis pulled through, but was left with enough back pains to keep you bed ridden for days at a time. He told me he couldnt take it anymore, and dying wouldnt have been much of a step up from the way he was suffering. and i told him i had something that could help. I didnt want to give him the pills, but he was desperate to stop the suffering and i was desperate to help my friend. Travis said after taking the pills the pain was virtually gone. Everything went back to normal until Travis got hooked. Hooked worse then me or anyone ive ever met. I tried to stop him, but the addiction ran his life and cosumed him fully. Travis over dosed 3 months later. Living with myself is still something i have trouble swallowing.
I sat in the hospital bed with Audrey sleeping on my chest. In most cases, Its hard to get audrey to even sit on my lap, let alone lay on me. She is by far the most stubborn girl i have ever met in my whole fucking life. But sometimes my persistance will over ride her hard headedness. She doesnt seem to get it. How much of a hold she has on me. whats strange is me and Audrey are polar oppsites and always have been. She loves the beach, I hate seein fat guys in speedos. I love war movies, she says the explosions are redicuously over dramatic. and how am i attracted to her? Because theres so much to know about her, and i learn from her everyday.
My boredum was getting a little much and Audrey had been asleep for 2 hours. I moved my arm up from her lower back to her upper shoulder. I took her bra strap, pulled it, and it snapped into her shoulder blade. I smirked. "hey sleepy." Audrey slapped me in the arm. "im ganna punch you." she mumbled, and burried her face in my chest trying to fall back asleep. "not so fast, we have shit to do." As much as i love having her sleep on me, I was fiending somethin fierce. "like what?" she said looking up at me. Her eyes were the deepest grey blue, like the atlantic, i could never get used to them. They still shocked me with every glance she gave me. "like getting your ass some food." I said as i brushed her hair out of her face. " Hunter Miles Cade, are you implying that you want to take me out on a date?" She said jokingly with a smirk. "No, im just starving" I said. Audrey rolled her eyes and smiled. We got up from the hospital bed and Audrey started getting her stuff together. "Im ganna run to the bathroom real quick." Audrey nodded and i walked down the hallway to the bathroom. I went in my pocket and took out a pill. I looked at it for a minute. I could never look Audrey in the eyes and tell her about my problem with these things. I popped it into my mouth and scooped some water from the sink to wash it down with. It kicked in almost instantly and I closed my eyes and sighed. Finally. the tenseness was gone and I started feeling normal again. Audrey is something I would never be able to loose. I cant function without her. She helps me with my laundry, She helps me clean my room when it looks like a tornado ran through it, shes always there to talk, and always there to listen. I would do anything for that girl, and i need her in my life. Hurting her is something I cant do, and thats why I keep things from her.
Roxys can give you the most euphoric and elated high of your life. But with substance abuse, a tolerance will inevitably develop. So what happens when you cant get high anymore? Then your just an addict without the high. That day hasnt come yet, and i hope it never does. Thats when you hit rock bottom, the lowest you can be.
The morning starts with a pill and i end my day having consumed a couple more. Despite my endevours to stay high, this shit isnt something i like broadcasting throughout Tulsa. Dawn found them in my drawer once while she was rumidging through my stuff to find my jack daniels. She lost it, and flushed them down the toilet. we fought for hours that night. After a few holes punched into the wall and the screaming and arguing died down, Dawn began to cry, a rarity for her, and her glossy desperate eyes looked into mine. "Your ganna turn out like him." she whispered. and i instantly felt a stabbing feeling in my stomach. maybe it was my body trying to give me a wake up call. or maybe i just needed another pill. who knows, I dont know what my body wants anymore.But then the stabbing turned into a vicious nausia, i got up and went straight for the bathroom. Another, not so euphoric effect from roxys is the nausia. Its brutal. and i find myself in the bathroom puking my brains out these days more then i'd like to be. After my body finally finished disposing of everything i ate that day, i leaned against the wall in the bathroom and leaned my forehead against my hand.
Travis was my best friend through our child hood and up until he died. After a violent fight he got into with a couple of guys, he was stabbed in the back multiple times. Miraculously, Travis pulled through, but was left with enough back pains to keep you bed ridden for days at a time. He told me he couldnt take it anymore, and dying wouldnt have been much of a step up from the way he was suffering. and i told him i had something that could help. I didnt want to give him the pills, but he was desperate to stop the suffering and i was desperate to help my friend. Travis said after taking the pills the pain was virtually gone. Everything went back to normal until Travis got hooked. Hooked worse then me or anyone ive ever met. I tried to stop him, but the addiction ran his life and cosumed him fully. Travis over dosed 3 months later. Living with myself is still something i have trouble swallowing.
I sat in the hospital bed with Audrey sleeping on my chest. In most cases, Its hard to get audrey to even sit on my lap, let alone lay on me. She is by far the most stubborn girl i have ever met in my whole fucking life. But sometimes my persistance will over ride her hard headedness. She doesnt seem to get it. How much of a hold she has on me. whats strange is me and Audrey are polar oppsites and always have been. She loves the beach, I hate seein fat guys in speedos. I love war movies, she says the explosions are redicuously over dramatic. and how am i attracted to her? Because theres so much to know about her, and i learn from her everyday.
My boredum was getting a little much and Audrey had been asleep for 2 hours. I moved my arm up from her lower back to her upper shoulder. I took her bra strap, pulled it, and it snapped into her shoulder blade. I smirked. "hey sleepy." Audrey slapped me in the arm. "im ganna punch you." she mumbled, and burried her face in my chest trying to fall back asleep. "not so fast, we have shit to do." As much as i love having her sleep on me, I was fiending somethin fierce. "like what?" she said looking up at me. Her eyes were the deepest grey blue, like the atlantic, i could never get used to them. They still shocked me with every glance she gave me. "like getting your ass some food." I said as i brushed her hair out of her face. " Hunter Miles Cade, are you implying that you want to take me out on a date?" She said jokingly with a smirk. "No, im just starving" I said. Audrey rolled her eyes and smiled. We got up from the hospital bed and Audrey started getting her stuff together. "Im ganna run to the bathroom real quick." Audrey nodded and i walked down the hallway to the bathroom. I went in my pocket and took out a pill. I looked at it for a minute. I could never look Audrey in the eyes and tell her about my problem with these things. I popped it into my mouth and scooped some water from the sink to wash it down with. It kicked in almost instantly and I closed my eyes and sighed. Finally. the tenseness was gone and I started feeling normal again. Audrey is something I would never be able to loose. I cant function without her. She helps me with my laundry, She helps me clean my room when it looks like a tornado ran through it, shes always there to talk, and always there to listen. I would do anything for that girl, and i need her in my life. Hurting her is something I cant do, and thats why I keep things from her.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
valentines day bull shit.
Im not a jerk.
i just come off as one. I guess its just a level of immaturity that teenage boys cant shake until they found a girl that actually means something to 'em. To put it nicely I would say i have a pretty good track record with chicks. But this one chick isnt just a booty call for me. for once in my life i want to actually get inside her head not just her pants, and i want to learn everything there is to know about her and i dont give a fuck how sappy that is. But every chance i get to show her that she isnt just another one night stand I dont know how to be a gentleman and just tell her that her hair looks nice or that her perfume is compelling. instead i tell her that her ass looks nice in those levi's that shes wearin' and she tells me im a dick. Im not. i just dont know a damn thing about being decent to woman.
"Do you like gettin your ass beat kid?" I kicked him in the stomach for the third time as he layed coiled on the bathroom floor. The kicking was nonessential, i already beat him up pretty rough. No response. I grabbed him by his shirt collar and pulled him up close to my face. his eyes were wild and scared. I felt the pulse in my neck veins throbbing and my fists rattled as they clung to his bloody shirt. "listen to me. If i ever see you, or any of your punk ass friends mess with my brother ever again I swear I will make your life one continous, never ending hell. Thats a fuckin promise kid. you got it?" He shook his head up and down vigorously. I stared into his eyes to let it sink in. "fantastic." I let go of his collar and he dropped to the floor like a mangled ragdoll. The fluorescent lights in the bathroom were shakey and flickered with a buzzing noise. I rinsed the blood off my hands and looked up at the image in the mirror that stared back. The throbbing of my jaw and the anger in my face was almost natural to me. But it never failed to alarm me to see not just the brutality in the image that appeared, but to see the monster that is my father. God, I look exactly like the guy. especially when im angry. My wild eyes that cut right through you, the way my face flushes all of its color, the way my nostrils flair with every breath.
Honestly,sometimes i scare the shit out of myself.
I splashed cold water on my face and left my anger in the school bathroom. A few days ago johnny came home with a fucked up eye and a gashed lip. He wouldnt give me names so i found them myself. Johnny dont like tellin me when the socs mess with him but this time it was to evident to hide. I think I scare him when i fight to, and he wants me to stay out of trouble. He can handle himself okay when its one or two kids botherin him. But i step in when hes gettin jumped by 4 kids with knives. I dont mess around when it comes to my family. there the only ones who keep me going.
After school i got hungry so i loned it to the diner down the road and ordered a burger that landed up tasting like cardboard. But this little blonde waitress was real cute, and she kept askin me if i wanted different condiments for my food. so i asked her if she knew about the burger tasting like cardboard and we laughed off of small talk and she played with her hair alot. afterward i successfully brought her back to my place for the night after her shift. Shes not who i wanted with me but she'll suffice. It is valentines day, anyway. It turned out alright.
happy valentines day
yours truly,
Hunter
i just come off as one. I guess its just a level of immaturity that teenage boys cant shake until they found a girl that actually means something to 'em. To put it nicely I would say i have a pretty good track record with chicks. But this one chick isnt just a booty call for me. for once in my life i want to actually get inside her head not just her pants, and i want to learn everything there is to know about her and i dont give a fuck how sappy that is. But every chance i get to show her that she isnt just another one night stand I dont know how to be a gentleman and just tell her that her hair looks nice or that her perfume is compelling. instead i tell her that her ass looks nice in those levi's that shes wearin' and she tells me im a dick. Im not. i just dont know a damn thing about being decent to woman.
"Do you like gettin your ass beat kid?" I kicked him in the stomach for the third time as he layed coiled on the bathroom floor. The kicking was nonessential, i already beat him up pretty rough. No response. I grabbed him by his shirt collar and pulled him up close to my face. his eyes were wild and scared. I felt the pulse in my neck veins throbbing and my fists rattled as they clung to his bloody shirt. "listen to me. If i ever see you, or any of your punk ass friends mess with my brother ever again I swear I will make your life one continous, never ending hell. Thats a fuckin promise kid. you got it?" He shook his head up and down vigorously. I stared into his eyes to let it sink in. "fantastic." I let go of his collar and he dropped to the floor like a mangled ragdoll. The fluorescent lights in the bathroom were shakey and flickered with a buzzing noise. I rinsed the blood off my hands and looked up at the image in the mirror that stared back. The throbbing of my jaw and the anger in my face was almost natural to me. But it never failed to alarm me to see not just the brutality in the image that appeared, but to see the monster that is my father. God, I look exactly like the guy. especially when im angry. My wild eyes that cut right through you, the way my face flushes all of its color, the way my nostrils flair with every breath.
Honestly,sometimes i scare the shit out of myself.
I splashed cold water on my face and left my anger in the school bathroom. A few days ago johnny came home with a fucked up eye and a gashed lip. He wouldnt give me names so i found them myself. Johnny dont like tellin me when the socs mess with him but this time it was to evident to hide. I think I scare him when i fight to, and he wants me to stay out of trouble. He can handle himself okay when its one or two kids botherin him. But i step in when hes gettin jumped by 4 kids with knives. I dont mess around when it comes to my family. there the only ones who keep me going.
After school i got hungry so i loned it to the diner down the road and ordered a burger that landed up tasting like cardboard. But this little blonde waitress was real cute, and she kept askin me if i wanted different condiments for my food. so i asked her if she knew about the burger tasting like cardboard and we laughed off of small talk and she played with her hair alot. afterward i successfully brought her back to my place for the night after her shift. Shes not who i wanted with me but she'll suffice. It is valentines day, anyway. It turned out alright.
happy valentines day
yours truly,
Hunter
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